I've been taking

a 20 minutes meditation practice as my agenda every night for about 3 weeks or so. Well, morning is the best time according to my friend, but let's not be too idealistic and ambitious from the beginning, which will lead me nothing but a world of failure. So, no matter how sleepy or worn out I have been, I’ve forced myself to sit with a crossed leg position for 20 minutes. What do I do? Mostly, I let all my worries, concerns and memories take over. From a tiny matter like " Did I lock the door?" to a very serious concern which one never gets a real answer ever like" where is my life going?" All I have to do is to tell each thought, "let it go." "Oh, I kept forgetting buy a tooth froth." "Let it go." "My friend, XX hasn't replied to my email, did I say something wrong." "Ok, let it go." "I slept too much last night. Could I sleep tonight?" "Yes, let it go." "My mom is getting older...should I go back to Japan?" "Let it go." "What am I going to wear tomorrow?" "let it GO!" "Why am I so thinking all the time?" "LET IT GO!" So, 20 minutes, in fact, pass quickly with the full buzzing sirens-like thoughts, yet I can't sit for longer than that right now. Therefore, the other night, I just did beg myself or my thoughts to calm down. "Focus on my breath. Period! Get it? " Still, they are there in my, by the way, "where?" Ok, I try to locate them, my thoughts. Yes, where can they be from? From my brain? my head? my stomach? my heart? my legs??? WHERE?" Even, this question comes from where? I fell into feeling of confusion. Closing my eyes tight, in the black darkness, I scanned the entire parts of my body. It seemed to me they were coming from my upper part of my body, yet still unclear. A few minutes of the trial, I realized that it would be a stupid act to try to find where they were from, as they were intangible anyway. At the same time, I had to be re-astonished by what a human being is made of! We memorize, think, forget and feel aside from all those digestive movement everyday within our tiny bodies. Wow so much going on! Respect it, yes respect and honor!!!
Meditation is the way to be in touch with one true self, which is bigger than a body and mind. In many religious or spiritual books, you see this notion. I started as I was having a hard time to control my emotions and attachement. I’ve tried it on and off and never was consistent before. A long way to go, yet, my hope is only in an idea of meditation. Even just for 2o minutes of just being worried every night, I will keep doing as if I do a science experiment. So, from time to time, I will report how it goes here.

moon

When I am down, I look down like almost all does. Once I come out the middle of downtime, I look up the sky and almost always the moon is up there. Last night, on the way home at night, I felt something and looked back and up. There she was, with a big smile mark. “Lovely.” It happens whether it is at night, a sunset time or even in the middle of the day. I feel protected. I did remember one of the most uplifting and magical incidents that happened to me. It was when I was really blue in the afternoon at one day in Tokyo. I walked to a park nearby and sat down on the grass. Everybody waited for the sun setting. Rebelled against everybody's "we-are-happy" smiles and chatting, I sat towards the east, which was the opposite direction from the sunset or everybody. I wanted to be the least invisible. Then, I found the half fatty frosty moon in the pale blue sky. "Hello again, my friend." I looked at the moon vacantly for a while. I lay down with feeling of relief. Then out of pale blue, I saw a white light around the moon. "An airplane?" I stared at it. It was certainly not the airplane. It zigzagged or moved in unexpected directions. Then, the second one appeared. And the third, the forth, the fifth, the sixth, "No way!!" Then, the eighth. "Kidding me." Then the ninth...I don't remember the exact number, but at least more than 8 of the white lights were circling around the moon. "All right!" I was excited as if the lot fell on me. Yes, they were "that." So-called unidentified flying object, U.F.O! I turned my head to see other people in the park to make sure if they noticed them. It was me anyway sitting in the counter direction from all, so nobody even noticed there was the moon in still tender-lighted sky. "Good." I headed up again. They were still there, almost dancing. I was wishing they could come down right here to pick me up to show me the fragment of the universe. It didn't happen. After a while, they all disappeared and the sun went down. Yet, they left my heart warmth. They were watching me and telling me that I was not alone. Just recognizing the things in the sky, whether they are identifiable or not, made me close to the universe. It was uplifting to be aware that the earth is floating in the vast universe--the earth is the part of it. We all forget about it, don’t we? Yet, it is absolutely undeniable fact. With that fact, then, it is not unbelievable to see that there would be different creatures living in an unknown places far away from us, is it? Truly, the moon is the opening door to the universe for me. Even if I forget about it, she never ever forgets me and all.

To the world...

I've started my blog since the summer 2005. I'm happy sometimes doing this, but mostly, I feel "I don't want to write!" Here is reality-- I ignore about the fact that there is a computer in my room as long as I could, then, another me laughs at me, "Are you going to give up on this? You never kept up anything in your whole life. Oh, you are such a loser." "Ok, ok you are right," so I force and drag myself to sit in front of the computer with a cup of coffee. Sipping a coffer, I stare at the computer, "----." a blank in my head and then, another sip, "----." an absolute blank. I am f---king frustrated with my English and topics to write about. Ok, about my English, yes the main reason to start my bog was to keep up with my English, after graduation of the university. Yet, I still don't know if I should put "a," or "the," for a certain noun or I should even put either one to begin with. I can't get along with energy of "a," "an," "the." Why do they exist? Oh my dearest friends, Mr. and Mrs. "prepositions," they are my enemy, often betraying me for their meanings. I still have to look into a dictionary to find a way to say what I want to say here, otherwise my English sounds very flat, emulation of simple "That-is-my-pen," kinda sentences. My English doesn't flow at all. “So, why not in your own language in the first place? “ Another me again. “ I just love English for no reason. Period.”
Then when it comes to the topics for my blog, well, it seems that I keep repeating the same thing over and over again. I start wondering if I ever learnt something during the course of these 3 years? Anything? I feel still a depressed and gloomy woman who just gets older. Then, why am I doing this? I am doing this nothing but out of obstinacy. Right, I never ever continued anything IÅfd decided to do and be consistent. Meditation, yoga, waking up early in the morning, an accent reduction class, acupuncture, and a Fula dance class, an African dance class, singing class and do forth. The only thing that IÅfvet never stopped is this blog, though I was going to write everyday, which is an unnatural and insane idea. So, only my determination of "I need to make a commitment to one thing once in my life” makes me sit here, squeezing something out of me.
Recently, I got a good feedback for the last article about Tokyo from a total stranger, which brought me much happiness. From time to time, I do get comments from my friends. Being able to know that there would be somebody in the world who would read my blog and feel close to me beyond age, sex, or nationality is incredibly uplifting, making me feel connected to the world… Hello! That's right, I love that. I love sharing with all anonymous. One day in the future, I will write something in a bigger scale to share universal feeling with all. (I said that now, wow then I will really have to do it.) By then, yes I will never stop this, even if I feel sick of it most of the time.

Emotions are really daunting. My emotions are really busy. I always get confused and emotional, every time I stay in Japan. Mainly, because of my dearest mother. As much as I love and adore her, she could be really annoying like every single mother. "Where are you going? From whom you got email? To whom you were emailing? Who are you going to see today?" Her "wh" questions are like a shotgun. Really annoying. I spend 85% of time with her, yet it seems not enough for her. She gets cranky when I go out without her, accusing me how unneat I am or stuff like that. OK, I’m not a teenager, mom. Well, in addition, I am not your boy friend! Then after a while, I start feeling guilt about how I feel. "She is my only family, she is the one who brought me up alone, supported through out my life? I should not feel that way." Then after a while with more time, I get confused again. "NO, I need to be independent. I have to have my own life, no matter what." Then after a few days, again I feel guilt. "How could I be so ungrateful?" These thoughts jump back and forth as if I were playing on swing all by myself. Really tiring. Without getting any good answers, I start crying. In fact, at one artist’s studio in Tokyo, I burst into tears. I had no idea what the hell led my emotion there? I was supposed to be a curator, visiting one dearest artist.
Right, she IS someone. She loves taking care of others, though she is tiny and skinny like a small branch. She talks loud, though she is, again, tiny. She is good at mimicking people's characters. She is flamboyant, having a strong presence everywhere she goes. She is so emulous that she doesn't like admitting anything. She talks to her friend, "Oh, my daughter? She is busy, doing her own biz and I only mind my own." "Hello?" I say to myself. She dogs my every step. She never cries in front of anybody or me. (Only twice or so, I saw...I could not deal, as it was too painful to see my mom crying.) She is bitcy about the world, people, a newscaster, TV program, me and so forth. Yet, she is a sincere Buddhist. She becomes too shy, when it comes to dealing with a foreigner. She starts cleaning, whenever she is angry, but she likes cleaning regardless. She is good at cooking, designing cloths or making anything. She is innocent and has warm heart. She is not a kind of mother who consoles her child at all, instead, she yells at me when I am down. She is a control freak. That's how she is, and I adore her. She got retired from her own three boutiques.
You know, it is tough, as I am the only child. Nobody besides someone who is born like me would be able to imagine how I feel right now. No offense, but I don’t want you to tell me that you understand my feeling or something like, "Oh, well, but, it's going to be ok." It is not OK. I am torn by 2 completely deferent ideas, 1; I should go back to Japan to live close to her or with her. 2, I should stay here to be independent in many ways, otherwise I could not be able to make her happy. If I choose 1, then I feel running away from something. If I choose 2, then I feel,” what if time is running out? What if it would be too late, by the time I am detached from her emotionally?
The other night in NY, I had dinner with one girl whom I met last winter. We saw each other at a social function for a few times and never had a chance to get to know each other. Here we were. It turned out that she was the only child brought up by her mother only. The only difference from me was that her mother passed away at her age of 20. Again, I could not hold my tears. Suddenly, I felt close to her. Really close to someone whom I barely knew about… Nothing happens for any reason. On the way home, I just felt her so much and imagined myself in her position. More again, I cried like a baby. I will not be able to deal with it, if it happens to me. I am scared to death. I feel really "run-out-of-time."
I know deep down that I have to choose 1, which will ultimately bring happiness for her and myself. That is why I came all the way to NY. Then, 6 years have passed in a blink of an eye. In between of felling homesick and ignoring it, I am off. Oh, well, here is a night I can't sleep again. I miss her.

home town

I was in Tokyo for about 2 weeks. Every time I go back, I am astonished by the fast-paced change in the city view. This time, I felt puking up by dehumanized indifferent energy hovering around the city. The brand new tall shinny skyscrapers with no smile, the highway wound and almost sneaked around the buildings, computerized announcements that orchestrated in the escalator, the train, the city looks completely alienated. In the train, 80% people have an ipod in their ears and do text in an incredible speed. The new century is hustling in the public restroom. The minute I opened the door, the lavatory cover automatically opened with music. There were too many buttons, one for a fake water running sound, one for a bidet, one for dry air, one for something else, one for what for really what? How could the just restroom for public possibly need that many buttons? All I needed is to just FLUSH. Rushing out this crazy high-tech crisis, the gigantic building blocked me. I can’t breathe!!!! “Oh, NYC is a big city with the tall buildings,” someone might say. “ Well, they are like just babies, compared to “those” in Tokyo, honey. “ “Then what about buildings in NJ developed area? You know the one Donald Trump built?” “They are like really just kids. Honey bunny.” Yes, really ugly types of buildings have been built in NYC these days, yet thanks to some regulations, nothing can compete “those” in Tokyo. Plus, Manhattan is just a small island. Tokyo is just spread-out, not big as contexts, but big geographically. And too many people there, yet they are dead like a robot. The buildings have so strong presence that people look as if they were serving to them, while people in NYC are so strong that all the buildings contribute anything to the city’s energy. Well, I never liked Tokyo, but this time I felt so sad, saying to myself, “ Is this really my home town? “ Then, I felt really sad, as I realized that there was no town that I could call my home town…. NYC? Not forever for me. So, I really have to find my home within myself. I really do.

image: City Glow, Chinatsu Aoshima