Emotions are really daunting. My emotions are really busy. I always get confused and emotional, every time I stay in Japan. Mainly, because of my dearest mother. As much as I love and adore her, she could be really annoying like every single mother. "Where are you going? From whom you got email? To whom you were emailing? Who are you going to see today?" Her "wh" questions are like a shotgun. Really annoying. I spend 85% of time with her, yet it seems not enough for her. She gets cranky when I go out without her, accusing me how unneat I am or stuff like that. OK, I’m not a teenager, mom. Well, in addition, I am not your boy friend! Then after a while, I start feeling guilt about how I feel. "She is my only family, she is the one who brought me up alone, supported through out my life? I should not feel that way." Then after a while with more time, I get confused again. "NO, I need to be independent. I have to have my own life, no matter what." Then after a few days, again I feel guilt. "How could I be so ungrateful?" These thoughts jump back and forth as if I were playing on swing all by myself. Really tiring. Without getting any good answers, I start crying. In fact, at one artist’s studio in Tokyo, I burst into tears. I had no idea what the hell led my emotion there? I was supposed to be a curator, visiting one dearest artist.
Right, she IS someone. She loves taking care of others, though she is tiny and skinny like a small branch. She talks loud, though she is, again, tiny. She is good at mimicking people's characters. She is flamboyant, having a strong presence everywhere she goes. She is so emulous that she doesn't like admitting anything. She talks to her friend, "Oh, my daughter? She is busy, doing her own biz and I only mind my own." "Hello?" I say to myself. She dogs my every step. She never cries in front of anybody or me. (Only twice or so, I saw...I could not deal, as it was too painful to see my mom crying.) She is bitcy about the world, people, a newscaster, TV program, me and so forth. Yet, she is a sincere Buddhist. She becomes too shy, when it comes to dealing with a foreigner. She starts cleaning, whenever she is angry, but she likes cleaning regardless. She is good at cooking, designing cloths or making anything. She is innocent and has warm heart. She is not a kind of mother who consoles her child at all, instead, she yells at me when I am down. She is a control freak. That's how she is, and I adore her. She got retired from her own three boutiques.
You know, it is tough, as I am the only child. Nobody besides someone who is born like me would be able to imagine how I feel right now. No offense, but I don’t want you to tell me that you understand my feeling or something like, "Oh, well, but, it's going to be ok." It is not OK. I am torn by 2 completely deferent ideas, 1; I should go back to Japan to live close to her or with her. 2, I should stay here to be independent in many ways, otherwise I could not be able to make her happy. If I choose 1, then I feel running away from something. If I choose 2, then I feel,” what if time is running out? What if it would be too late, by the time I am detached from her emotionally?
The other night in NY, I had dinner with one girl whom I met last winter. We saw each other at a social function for a few times and never had a chance to get to know each other. Here we were. It turned out that she was the only child brought up by her mother only. The only difference from me was that her mother passed away at her age of 20. Again, I could not hold my tears. Suddenly, I felt close to her. Really close to someone whom I barely knew about… Nothing happens for any reason. On the way home, I just felt her so much and imagined myself in her position. More again, I cried like a baby. I will not be able to deal with it, if it happens to me. I am scared to death. I feel really "run-out-of-time."
I know deep down that I have to choose 1, which will ultimately bring happiness for her and myself. That is why I came all the way to NY. Then, 6 years have passed in a blink of an eye. In between of felling homesick and ignoring it, I am off. Oh, well, here is a night I can't sleep again. I miss her.