a storm broke my house....

It has been a week since I came back from Maui trip but my spirit is still somewhere in the air. Or, I just refuse myself to land on the land of reality. Honestly, that would be the case. I am officially depressed. I have been trying not to fall down the hell of crying. Once I allow myself to drop even one tear, I know that I will not stop and get completely crazy, packing stuff and leaving NY for somewhere like Dallam Selah in India to take off any burdens, responsibilities for work, my mom and myself, desires, excitement and all in life. Although my desire for renouncement has been in a back of my head since I was little, I know that I am not really ready yet or will be ready ever in this life. Therefore, I can't cry right now. I-can’t-do... Well, seeing beauty in nature made me think that I am not really living but just struggling against life. “What am I tying to do?” So this trip turned out to be like a big storm, thundering so many questions, which were hovering around over my head anyway, but I tried so hard not to face. "Why am I living for?" "What's the meaning of life?" "Is it to breath in and out?” “Is it to make a living?" "Is it to become someone?" "Is it to accomplish every day life tasks? Or is it to establish career?" "Is to have family?" "If it is to make a living, I hardly do in NY. So does it mean that I am a failure or I am not living?" "What do I want in life, career or love?" "If I have all, would all the factors make me feel content and will never ask myself these questions? “ “If I had been born poor, then would I have never asked such questions, as I had to struggle making my living?” "If I live close to nature, then would it the same or not?" "I once lived in some islands like Hawaii, Chichi Island, but it didn't work with me. So, where would it be to live, if i want to live close to nature?" “Or to live is to find a place? Just like that?” “Is it better to live close to my mom, as she is a single mother and I am the only child? Or no matter what, is it normal for a child to set out on one's own? “Do I have sincere passion for the art world?” “ Do I love art in the first place?” On and on and on... It was the brutal storm that is like ripping shingles off the roof and the walls of my house, which I myself had been building and here I am sitting in the middle, closing my eyes and covering my ears with my hands. No matter how I have tried to live physically, the part of me has been always indifferent, objective or lonely rejecting to be in reality. I left behind. I have tried out so many different things from spiritual point of view to physical to know the reason why I was born. Still I don’t know. Do you know? An astrological reader had once told me, “At the age of 43, whether you choose or not, you will enter in a phase of spirituality.” The astrological signs based on my birthday and time is, according to him, the most perfect and ideal position for “spirituality” where I don’t need any gurus or teachers. “Great! Can’t wait! I don’t have to do anything consistently meditating or being a vegetarian to be “spiritual” Cool!” In a way, I am so waiting to become 43 years old. In the mean time, my only passion, I could say, is to know the answer for the very simple question, “why was I born here?” Whether I will be like a nun or not, as the astrological guy said, I am eager to know that. Huh wait a minute? Then, I already answered my question perhaps? Yeah, I live to know the answer. Ok, then so there is no need to be depressed then, as I at least know the reason why I am living currently. Ha! I can sleep tonight, though my roof was gone.