I can't be honnest with myself,

when it comes to somebody whom I like. The more I am interested in him, the less I show my attraction. I can't even see his eyes straight. My heart is beating fast and my hands are sweating. So, I make my full efforts not to reveal my inner emotional turmoil. So, this anxiety leads me to cold, strange, awkward behaviors. If she is teenager, she is considered as an innocent and sweet girl. In my case, worse comes to worst. I am in thirties. Hello!? All of my single girlfriends have one romance another. They always have something to talk about, yet me?.... apparently NOTHING. I am left far behind. On my way back home from those girls’ nights, I usually feel so damned. On top of that, almost everybody always concludes, “if you can drink….” As a grownup, everybody seems to get drunk to loosen up. Someone like me who can’t even sip a bit of alcohol has, then, no hope….? A kid is always straightforward. There isn’t such a word, “ fear for rejection,” in his or her dictionary. When I feel absolute attraction from my friends’ kids, I can melt away with bliss, yet at the same time I see how closed my heart is. That’s how the grownup’s world does to everybody? With one painful and harsh experience after another, the heart of the grownup gets harder and harder and needs something to loosen up? After I spent some time with my friends’ kids yesterday, though I was loosened up, I also felt pain within me about myself and about the harsh world.