La luna bella tonight.

The full moon made me think about femininity. I have been single for over a year. In addition, I have been losing sexuality for about two years. I didn't take it so seriously in the beginning. I was preoccupied with getting myself together in many ways, so I didn't have a space to be intimate with someone anyway. Now I start getting used to life in NY, I am mentally sort of kind of ready for that or at least my desire to share many things with one person is taken out of my closet. Lots of dusts though…. However, my sexual urge has been still getting lost. Where did I put it? Now, I seriously do wonder--"is my phenomenon just slump, or is this an age related issue (certainly) or is this it? Am I just getting closer to enlightened state of mind? or just need to see a counselor? -- Surely, life has been much easier as I don't have a desire for it. But what about my wish to be with someone? Does it come true without it? My friends often say to me," Oh, don't worry about it, when you see someone special, it will come back to you." Is it so? I never had this experience. Though I was never a type of a girl who occasionally has a lover for sex or is flirtatious. I could live without it for years and years, when I was single. Yet, it didn't mean that I never had feeling of “sex-would-be-the-last-thing-to-do right now” like now. It was always up there somewhere, but now…forget about it. Physically and mentally it has become almost a mystery zone for me by now. Well, as I mentioned, my work situation in a new world and aspiration took it out of me first. I found more intriguing and exciting things to do. At the same time, my level of stress found myself being sick often. Even though I met somebody whom I was interested in, no willingness to be physically intimate made me feel reluctant to go for him. Slowly and gradually, the temporal lost has turned into the fearful unknown world---being touched freezes my body. Oh. Hallelujah!!! Looking up the fully full moon, I called for help. I want to love and be loved. I want to touch and be touched …eventually. I want to open up myself. I want to be in a state of “ I-am-out –of-control” mind without really being out of control. Then the moon asked me,” are you really ready?” Am I? Continued….