Once my mom left NY,

the real winter hit the city. I feel cold outside and inside. In about 5 years, how many times have I seen her off or has she seen me off? Quite a lot, yet I am never be able to get used to it. Part of me is happy to be independent here, but part of me is unhappy about the fact that I left her alone. Two extreme feelings in my heart are never integrated, rather torture me. Especially when I see in my eyes her getting old, losing a sense of sharpness, which she used to have when she was working, I feel as if my heart is tore up. She is my only family and she brought me up alone. She is an adorable human being who loves me and loves helping people out. I saw her struggling to make our living without showing her emotions to anybody. She just ran, ran and ran. Now she is alone. It is sometimes too emotional to think and I look up the sky, “Why?” "I wish I had had siblings." " I wish my parents had never got divorced." Those unrealistic wishes begin to rise up within myself, though I know that my thoughts are irrelevant to my reality. Then, I shake my head to let my thoughts go. Accepting my reality, then I made my decision to separate myself from her, in order to build up my life. However, once in a while, the question hangs down to my head; was my choice was really right? A day like today, which is below 0 out, makes me be pensive and I miss her.