endless

I could not hold myself the other day, so I cried at the work place unknowingly. Feeling needs for frantic and endless endeavor just overwhelmed me. Needs to improve English in general, to study more Art History, to catch up with art scene now, to get connections with so-called " certain people," in art biz, and to cope with what needs to be done in everyday life matters. How hard I try, I canÅft feel that I am and will be good enough. It seems that feeling good about myself is just too far to reach. Yet, why do I need to do all in the first place? Will it be certain that I feel confident and satisfied with myself, if I get all? Am I then now really a useless human being or loser? Since when has innocent curiosity or ambition become just painful struggle? Since when have what I am and what I will be become an enemy to each other? Since when have I become a victim of social context? All those questions exploded all at once. It is often said, “ Nobody besides you judges yourself.” I can’t agree on this. The phrase should be like this, “ You judge yourself and stop it. Some judge you, but who cares? “ Yes, I know I am hard on myself, which doesn’t help the situation but make it worse. Yes, I know some judge me and I do have to stand up and be strong enough to say to myself, “ Who cares?” Desire to learn will be endless and so will judgments from others and myself. I can’t drop the desire, yet can drop judgments off. More importantly, always I have to remember that I am a loving and loved human being without reasons.