"you are thoughtful today,"

my friend, a DJ and scientist, Lele said to me, when I saw him briefly the other day. " Is it a good thing or bad?" I asked. "Neither, you just look thoughtful today," he said again. He was right indeed. " Well, perhaps because I have been spending alone these days, sort of disconnected from the world," I excused myself. "Tell me about it. You know, here in the city, nobody really calls me to say bull-shit, everybody calls me to ask something," he turned his eyes away. He also added that he had been missing Italy, his home country, and nothing stopped leaving NY besides his girlfriend. " Call me, when you want to drink sometimes,” he left. On the way home back, I asked myself, "What really stops me leaving NY?" It would be nothing but work. I don't have a boyfriend. Most of my friends are couples. A few of my close friends already left the city. Over the summer, how many phone calls for talking about stupid things did I receive? Not many. Today was Labor Day. Again, I find myself alone over the holiday. Walking along the river, I passed by couples, family, and a group friends. I was lying down on the grass looking up the autumn sky. White clouds were running through the sky, drawing lines and circles. " I am leaving the city as there is no such intimacy here," my friend's cite was carried by winds over the river. "Please stop," I said in my mind. Sometimes, I allow someone's comment or the standard idea in the society to have more power over my real thought. I am aware of my feeling loneliness wishing I could be with somebody whom I really care for, yet it doesn't mean that I want to leave the city yet. I know that there are a few friends, which is enough. Wherever one goes, no matter how many friends or lover one has around him or her, life is basically a solitary journey. Surely, I had been thoughtful these days. You know why? I got my period today. A woman is made in a very complicated manner.