Fear

I had a nightmare and found myself sweating the other night. I don't remember the details, but do remember the feeling of fear. I examined what I really fear for. Here are the lists of that I am scared of or worried about: being mugged or attacked, being shouted by people for no reason, walking under some construction, getting on an airplane, a boat and NY taxi, facing close people’s death, being rejected, dealing with the close people getting grumpy or angry, a needle, a mouse, a barking dog, an unpredictable cat's action, judgmental eyes from strangers, sudden noises at night, disappointing people, lightning, earthquake on and on.... I have been timid, since I was little. I know why I am like this. When I was little, a shocking incident froze the whole country in Japan. A crazy guy killed 7 or 8 people including a little baby by a knife on the street in the middle of the day without reason. I was terrified with it and walking on the streets. This incident convinced me that the world was cruel. I concluded that even if I had behaved well, or tried not to be hated by people, I would still have had a chance to be killed. I asked my mother, "If I happened to be involved with a similar situation, what should I do? "If you were with me, you just ran and ran," she told. " Nooooo, you are the one who has to run and run, as I don't want to be left all alone," I cried. I was scared of not only this kind of incidents, but also the fact that I would have ended up being an orphan, if my mother had been involved with those incidents. I would rather die than being left alone, as I would not be able to deal with losing her. I still remember the face of the killer who affected my life up until now. One day, in my mother's absent night, I was holding a knife at the door all night when I heard some noises outside of our house. Nothing happened. It might have been a cat's act. Now the world is more dangerous than those days. I am still alive, yet I am the same. I get scared of just walking on the streets. Sometimes, I truly wish I were in a total safe place, which would not exist in the world. I look up the sky, wondering if there is utopia up there. My friend said the other day, "the world is full of happiness." I replied to her in my mind, "with sadness as well." I can't ignore that.