Life for Experience

"I live to experience.
I experience to feel myself fully and ultimately to be connected to the world."
I've been telling this to myself like a mantra.

Life gets cruel and confusing sometimes.
I had to face one of the toughest and saddest thing in my life and I've been feeling an excruciating pain.
Every morning I force myself to get out of bed and manage to do what I need to do. Yet, my body feels heavy as if I were carrying 1 ton weight ball around my legs. I go out and see people, yet my mind is often absent. My heart is trembling and my stomach is twisted up, feeling like puking up constantly. I read books based on Buddhism philosophy and go to a shrine for help almost everyday. Yet, still, all sorts of pent up emotions like grief, sorrow, anger, regret, anxiety rise up in me....almost every 1 hour. As much as I know I'm responsible for any circumstances where I am led, it has been really hard to assimilate and get a clear and rationalized perception of the happening.

When I find myself falling down, over and over, I remind myself that I live to experience like I have been till today and I will be strong and open enough to fully experience anything that comes along in my life journey --- sadness, loneliness, pain, happiness, excitement or satisfaction.
Then, there I know I could eventually relate myself with others and the world, giving me a broader perspective and making me compassionate as a woman.

I truly believe in this.