an invisible web

I forced myself to be out and walked around the city all day today. I fell down into the hole again, losing a clear vision of where I was and what I was doing here before my departure. I was not here or there, anywhere. I have been putting pressure on myself, trying to be productive, yet I find myself feeling tired and void after all. Canceling my agendas, I seeked for a complete solitude to deal with myself today. Walking around, treating myself at my favorite cafe, buying a new dress(of course, I am a girl!) , I inwardly conversed with myself.
Why am I scared so much? Why had I done that? What's wrong with me? Why did I fall for somebody now? What's going to happen to me from now? What am I doing here? All those useless questions were stoking me, like a long marching band. Stop stop stop!!!

There, in the middle of a busy intersection in Soho, I saw a guy drumming with abandoned things. I stopped and watched him for a while. The drum melody was echoed through the surrounded buildings and created orchestra-like musicality. He was deeply into his own world. "dude, you cool!!!" I gave applause to him in my mind. I tipped in and left. "What's up with me? Look at how strong he is." Right, I was scared of the fact that I gave up on my apartment and had no place to come back. Yet, Do I need to hold onto the form of home? This is my home. My home in my heart and soul. The city gave me such strength to be myself and to survive here and so many opportunities to experience and meet people from all over the world. As much as I feel tired of a continuous survival mode of life here at the moment, I love this city where chances are given equally. I have not many but a few of my dearest friends whom I love. Plus, I am just taking a break from the city, as I need to recharge. What's the point of feeling sad? In fact, I am lucky to receive this break and start a new beginning....?

Yes, I fell for somebody right before I am moving. How ironic it could be and I screamed in my mind, WHY NOW?
Yet again, this is the facts. This person certainly gave my life such sparkle. I felt "caring" deep within me. Elusive, indefinable, almost intoxicated, intangible crazy feeling.... as-if- I-knew-this-person-for -a-long-time feeling....beautiful feeling....I haven't felt that way for a long time, so I know this is something that I can't ignore or deny. My friend said to me, "you are naivete for my age and such a romantic dreamer." I may be so. Yet, I can't deny how I feel....or should I? Should I pretend to be cool? Does growing up mean to be cool? Or is it cool not to feel or pretend not to feel to begin with? Just becuase the timing was off? I can't be light or cool, even if this could sound completely illogical and irrational. We all long for love no matter how old we are, no matter what we do, no matter where we are anyway.

Sadly, though, I lost my balance and collapsed due to mix of my freaky situation, limitation in time, my inability to trust men, my own insecurity and feeling of fear.... I forced to produce immediate results. Here I am again. I do things that make the other withdraw and I suffer from the situation I created greatly.
I regret.
"Everything is about time and when you think about it, this is total bullshit, "my friend's quote. How could I forget that? Well, in the middle of chaos and mess, I lost a broader vision and was trapped in narrow minded sight. Well, I need to take responsibilty for my own action and my selfishness.....
Yet, at the same time, I'm happy and lucky that I have met this person who was so unique and loner and gave me such sparkle. It was indeed a special gift and cerebration from a god regardless.

I have only 7 days here for now. Yet, today, somehow I get a little bit of my strength back.
Forget about an idea of --7 days to go. Just live life and now. Just do what I want, not "should." Plus, I know that this is not the end. Life is like an invisible web. Who knows how the outcome will look like. You can't see it as a whole till you die anyway. So, I want to keep weaving my own pattern. It might be complicated and tabgled up, but deep down, I believe in that it will look, in the "end," unique and beautiful....