I can't be honnest with myself,

when it comes to somebody whom I like. The more I am interested in him, the less I show my attraction. I can't even see his eyes straight. My heart is beating fast and my hands are sweating. So, I make my full efforts not to reveal my inner emotional turmoil. So, this anxiety leads me to cold, strange, awkward behaviors. If she is teenager, she is considered as an innocent and sweet girl. In my case, worse comes to worst. I am in thirties. Hello!? All of my single girlfriends have one romance another. They always have something to talk about, yet me?.... apparently NOTHING. I am left far behind. On my way back home from those girls’ nights, I usually feel so damned. On top of that, almost everybody always concludes, “if you can drink….” As a grownup, everybody seems to get drunk to loosen up. Someone like me who can’t even sip a bit of alcohol has, then, no hope….? A kid is always straightforward. There isn’t such a word, “ fear for rejection,” in his or her dictionary. When I feel absolute attraction from my friends’ kids, I can melt away with bliss, yet at the same time I see how closed my heart is. That’s how the grownup’s world does to everybody? With one painful and harsh experience after another, the heart of the grownup gets harder and harder and needs something to loosen up? After I spent some time with my friends’ kids yesterday, though I was loosened up, I also felt pain within me about myself and about the harsh world.

My uncle died yesterday.

In Japan, it was on 9.11. Somehow, I felt it and picked up a phone to call my mom to ask her about him. The first word from my mom was, "Martin died." Martin was his nickname. I was speechless and she talked restlessly. Obviously, she sounded nervous and tried not to fall into painful emotion. I was close to him while I was young. Then we were apart for a decade, because he did something unacceptable to my mom. It was until last fall that I finally saw him. He'd already had two operations for his cancer. He was skinny like a paper. I collapsed into tears once I saw him. I could not talk, neither could he. He was crying. Nothing came out from our mouth, yet we understood each other. I understood that he did feel bad about what he had done and he apologized. I supposed that he got that I’d forgave him. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to admit about the fact that he was dying; yet he was gone. I could not see him before. Today was 9.11 here in NYC. It was raining and I was down. Now, 9.11 has another meaning for me. The longer I live, the more I will come across someone's death. More and more.... I signed. Then, I asked myself again, "Why are we living for?" To say good-bye?
Good-bye Martin….wishing that you will become one of stars in the peaceful universe. Tell me if that is a good place to be….I love you.