La luna bella tonight.

The full moon made me think about femininity. I have been single for over a year. In addition, I have been losing sexuality for about two years. I didn't take it so seriously in the beginning. I was preoccupied with getting myself together in many ways, so I didn't have a space to be intimate with someone anyway. Now I start getting used to life in NY, I am mentally sort of kind of ready for that or at least my desire to share many things with one person is taken out of my closet. Lots of dusts though…. However, my sexual urge has been still getting lost. Where did I put it? Now, I seriously do wonder--"is my phenomenon just slump, or is this an age related issue (certainly) or is this it? Am I just getting closer to enlightened state of mind? or just need to see a counselor? -- Surely, life has been much easier as I don't have a desire for it. But what about my wish to be with someone? Does it come true without it? My friends often say to me," Oh, don't worry about it, when you see someone special, it will come back to you." Is it so? I never had this experience. Though I was never a type of a girl who occasionally has a lover for sex or is flirtatious. I could live without it for years and years, when I was single. Yet, it didn't mean that I never had feeling of “sex-would-be-the-last-thing-to-do right now” like now. It was always up there somewhere, but now…forget about it. Physically and mentally it has become almost a mystery zone for me by now. Well, as I mentioned, my work situation in a new world and aspiration took it out of me first. I found more intriguing and exciting things to do. At the same time, my level of stress found myself being sick often. Even though I met somebody whom I was interested in, no willingness to be physically intimate made me feel reluctant to go for him. Slowly and gradually, the temporal lost has turned into the fearful unknown world---being touched freezes my body. Oh. Hallelujah!!! Looking up the fully full moon, I called for help. I want to love and be loved. I want to touch and be touched …eventually. I want to open up myself. I want to be in a state of “ I-am-out –of-control” mind without really being out of control. Then the moon asked me,” are you really ready?” Am I? Continued….

the ocean

After 5 cloudy days, the sun has showed his presence. Hey you! Nice to feel the fragrance of the summer sun. This summer, in between of moving out and in, I managed to have small vacation in Montauk and Hampton for a few times. Looking at the ocean horizon, listening to the endless sounds of the waves, soaking myself into pristine clear Atlantic water, I re-realized how much I loved and missed the ocean. I love being in water. I feel free and cleansed physically and spiritually. Since I came to NYC, though, I have been forgetting about it. I once went to Jones beach and had to pay $10 or so to be in. The beach was nothing special or even looked boring. I was the one who was in fact an island girl living in Hawaii, Australia and Chichi Island in Japan and traveling from one island to another in Asian continents like Phuket, Bali and more. I could not accept paying for the unpleasant and nothing-special beach. Give me a break. When I was living in Chichi Island, I often found myself alone on the untouched beach with emerald green color of water. Since that traumatized day, I forgot about the ocean in NY. Though it is nothing compared to the beaches where I lived, the beach in Montauk was beautiful and had manly presence with strong waves. Getting under slightly cold water and opening my eyes led me to feeling of familiarity. “I’m Back!” I shouted in my mind. Today, my dear friend, Orvokki, came back from her trip in Hawaii Island and brought some seashells. They are a reminder of the Pacific Ocean. Well, the ocean is just one where there is no border. Over the horizon, there are another continents and islands. Under water, there are hundreds of creatures living. The waves make a rock to round stones and bring someone’s wish. The ocean is, yes, the place where a human being was born.

NYC's weather is moody and unpredictable.

It was a soggy, cold miserable and rainy day today despite the season, so was my mood. I stayed home, cleaning up my new nest, cooking and doing laundry. (I just moved from the west side to the east last Monday, which was the 4th move within 5 years.) There, on the pure white walls, I installed some artworks given by my friends. They were not many, but just enough to adorn my room with. "Who could expect to have some artworks for someone moving here with one suitcase from Tokyo 5 years ago?" I thought. Well, my treasures that have been collected over years are not only pleasant to my eyes, but also remind me of my friends' presence and their history. The rain stopped at night. Feeling a bit uplifted, I headed to the Upper East Side to buy a second hand microwave, which I'd found on the craigslist. It happened to be in my old neighborhood, 70's on the second avenue. I was there for a year in 2002-3. On a bus on the way back from the familiar scenery, I was seeing 5 years of my life in NY flashed back. The first day in NYC, the days and nights when I felt so lonely, the school days, excited feeling about walking unknown streets, a day of opening my bank account, a day of being stuck in en elevator, nights when I was wide awake with wavering feeling of my future, the day when I met my ex boy-friends and on an on. Though I moved a lot within 5 years, each move actually stopped me to look back and see where I am now. When I opened the door of my small castle, I felt home. Hello, hello, here I am again. Yes, tomorrow's weather will be different and life goes on. I am ready for unknown.

memory

When I say life is sad, I am considered as pessimistic and negative. I don't say life isn't beautiful. Moments of encountering people and things like art and music that inspire and touch my heart, seeing the beautiful sunset, sitting under swinging trees, looking up the blue sky, dancing freely, swimming in pristine ocean and so forth, all those, in fact, make life such precious. Yet, nothing is permanent. Living in these continuous momentary events, sometimes, I get overwhelmed by the fact that so many things are needed to let go in everyday basis. Not only the current memories but also painful or glory memories in my childhood are still deep inside of me. In Buddhism theory, it is said that we need to live in the moment and eternity is in the moment. Yet, the amounts of memories that need to be detached are certainly beyond my capacity right now. Form time to time, I have to come across a moment that the memories in the past that I thought I already let go actually are still in me. Confronting decay brings up a memory of days gone by even more. When I saw my mom getting older, all my childhood memories with my mom were vividly surfaced: Clear vision of her sitting at a bench in the park and seeing me exercising on horizontal bars, her back when she was cooking, warmth and softness of her hands when we were walking in the park. They are beautiful memories, but can't be touched ever again, which makes me feel sad. And, when I see a beautiful moment, the fact that it will be just one of the memories makes me feel sad. I do understand that is why life is beautiful. Yet, like salty water in the ocean, it is ,sometimes,eye-smarting.