the road

This year, 2006 will end soon. Looking back upon this year's happenings: instability of my health condition, the visa problem, non-stop labor, heavy responsibly on my job, moving, I feel as if I held my breath all the way up until now. Did I ever look like a boxer ducking from endless blows? Along the way on life, yes, it is true that the road will have traffic, bumps, holes, fogs, and on and on. Yet, for some people, the road seems to be smooth like a highway. Does this depend on one's choice or just fate? How will I know which way would be more smooth than the other roads? Does somebody have more clear eyes or psychic to anticipate which roads could be straight? Or, the road that one takes is already determined before one's birth? Is it true that the obstacles are to overcome or just exist anyway? Well, whether I like it or not, the one thing is clear; the road that I take doesn't seem to be so easy. However, the drive without a map, needless to say, is more adventurous. What ever I confront along the way, there, I have to stop where I might find a little flower on the road, which I will miss out, if I don't stop. Sometimes, the gasoline could run out. Then I will stop again to recuperate. There, I might see somebody whom I will miss out, if I don’t stop. The harder the road is, the more I will feel alive. That’s life and I like that. So, no matter how tough this year was, my heart is now fully filled with satisfaction and joy. Yet, the gasoline IS running out, so I will pull out my car and leave the city tomorrow. Yes, a break from the commotion of the city. I will not know what will bring to me in this break, which excites me more. In the mean time, thanks NYC and I will see u in my high-spirited next year.

While there is a kind of life

While there is a kind of life where money talks, there is also a kind of life where a gun talks loud. Last week, almost all the artworks in Miami fairs seemed to be sold out within one day. It sounded like a bargain sale in a department. Yet, the artworks were in the highest prices. Concurrently, In NY, gunfire by the police officers has been a serious issue for the last three weeks. Whether the victims were armed or not, the police officers seemed to pick up the gun and open the fires so easily. In one incident in Queens, it seemed that one officer shot the gun for 33 times within less than an hour. 33 times? Why does one human being need to shoot somebody or something that many? We are living in a society where we might be tomorrow's victims of a stray bullet. Though I am talking about 2 different things here, yet my reaction towards them was same: I lost my appetite. Both phenomena where millions of millions of money was spent in one day and where the bullets were flying on the every corner of the streets are just insane and sad. I don't belong to both. For a while, "?" mark hangs in my head and my stomach is empty, yet both phenomena don't really affect my life in a long run. So, that's it, yet is that it really? The world is suffering: starving children in Africa, Tibetans who lost their own country, the innocent victims in the war zones, abused children and more. Do we really have a time to drop millions of bills and bullets? Could we utilize money and power in a different way? Then, what am I doing here? Some calls, I could hear, yet I have been pretending not to hear, which have yielded to self-loathing. OK, I am one of those hypocrites. It could be worse than who is not aware of anything in the world. Let me take for a walk, if I am allowed to and if I will not be shot by somebody somewhere.

found and be found

"
New York City was frozen last Friday, and so was Chelsea art scene. All of so-called arty people like collectors, gallerists, dealers, artists, plus wannabes were in Miami for art fairs. Thus, Chelsea had become a ghost town for the entire week. Thanks to the severe Alaska-like coldness, there were only 5 or 6 visitors in the galley. Well, I have to say that they were brave. Among all, I found one Japanese couple. The owners of the gallery were away, so I was all alone and bored for a few days. I, myself as Japanese, jumped onto them to just TALK. It turned out that the gentleman was a ceramic artist, visiting NY from a rural district in Kyoto for a group show of ceramic art, which was hold in a Japanese gallery. They both seemed to be very shy, but warm and friendly. A faint and shyly smile revealed their good nature, which is really rare to see in this city. " Tonight, we will have an opening reception, so please come by," they humbly invited me. Though I said yes, I was not sure if I really would. “Oh, tonight was the night to stay home with a hot soup,” I said to myself. However, the fact that they came to NY all the way from countryside in Kyoto and happened to be in the gallery in the Siberian weather made me stand up. So I did. 6 Japanese artists exhibited the ceramics, some were conventional, and some were funky. The guy’s work was conventional and I liked it the best. “ It takes 3 days to bake ceramics and you never let the fire go out for 3 days,” he explained. “ Wow, sounds like having a new-born baby,” I said and they laughed. The big round plate caught my eyes. It was a brownish plate with circle patterns and turquoise blue was appeared in parts. “This is like the universe!” I was excited. “ Indeed, I actually named this piece the universe,” his girlfriend smiled back. “ Depending on the season, a temperature of the day, a fire degree, the work changes its face, though I use the same materials,” he added. After looking at them carefully, I mentioned that I would buy teacups. (I wanted to buy the plate, but it was over my budget and no storage to put it.) “ Please don’t buy. We were really happy that you started talking to us in the gallery today, so we were thinking about giving some to you,” they mumbled. It was touching. I was the one who were dying to talk to somebody and they happened to be there. Getting know that they were happy about chatting with me made me feel really happy. I felt as if flowers were blooming inside of me. Their remark made me feel like buying it more. After negotiation, we were settled down my purchase with a small gift from them. I found them and was found by them. Yes, the city endlessly gives us a chance for meeting new people, whether you pick up or ignore it. Interwoven by spontaneous chance, the city itself becomes a treasure. On the way back home, I felt warm inside, walking against the bitter cold winds. Life is beautiful, isn't it.

food and love

The other day, I visited my dearest friend's house and she cooked dinner for us. I have known her here for over 4 years, so she is my best and longest friend in NY. Sometimes, the moment you see somebody, you already feel as if you knew the person for a long time. That was the case with her. Sometimes, there would be a time to lose in touch with a close friend, but it doesn’t mean that the friendship dies. So, that was the case with us. Recently, she broke up with her boyfriend, so she has become more available to me now. She is a very spiritual person, practicing meditation every morning. In fact, she just came back from 2 weeks retreat in Arizona. " I can't stand eating out these days, as I had so much good quality food in Arizona." The menu that night was soybeans Indian curry with Brown rice and Japanese radish salad. All the ingredients were organic. The food was just mindblowing. I could not believe how just the food made one feel so much better. I puked up the previous night and I wasn't feeling too good, yet immediately I could really sense that my body was relaxed and happy. The organic ingredients as well as her affection for cooking made everything tasteful. For me, the food was the third among main human desires, sleep, sex, and food. I used to eat to satisfy my stomach and take supplements, period. Now, I have been paying more attention to what I take in my body. Then, I have realized that this would be nothing but about love. "What is love?" I had been asking to myself. " I can't love myself," I had been feeling that way. Love is not theoretical. Love is not something to think or ask for. I don't still know exactly what it is, yet the very intention to start doing something good to your body would be just love. Right, this is very simple, and even kids know that. Yet, the simplest thing can be easily forgotten. I myself forgot. The casual dinner with my good friend made me recall the simple yet important fact in life.

endless

I could not hold myself the other day, so I cried at the work place unknowingly. Feeling needs for frantic and endless endeavor just overwhelmed me. Needs to improve English in general, to study more Art History, to catch up with art scene now, to get connections with so-called " certain people," in art biz, and to cope with what needs to be done in everyday life matters. How hard I try, I canÅft feel that I am and will be good enough. It seems that feeling good about myself is just too far to reach. Yet, why do I need to do all in the first place? Will it be certain that I feel confident and satisfied with myself, if I get all? Am I then now really a useless human being or loser? Since when has innocent curiosity or ambition become just painful struggle? Since when have what I am and what I will be become an enemy to each other? Since when have I become a victim of social context? All those questions exploded all at once. It is often said, “ Nobody besides you judges yourself.” I can’t agree on this. The phrase should be like this, “ You judge yourself and stop it. Some judge you, but who cares? “ Yes, I know I am hard on myself, which doesn’t help the situation but make it worse. Yes, I know some judge me and I do have to stand up and be strong enough to say to myself, “ Who cares?” Desire to learn will be endless and so will judgments from others and myself. I can’t drop the desire, yet can drop judgments off. More importantly, always I have to remember that I am a loving and loved human being without reasons.