When Something not Special becomes Special

On another usual day of last week, I received a spontaneous call from a friend of mine to have dinner together. We went to a Chinese restraunt near by my house and we had 2 plates of dumplings. Nothing special. "I realized that I have not many friends here," I said. " Who has in the city, the city for Biz, my dear." he smiled and added. "You have me." "Right, but you are leaving soon," I replied. " Still, I am you friend, right?” His departure would not be so special. I already had enough farewell parties for my friends who had left the city for good. We clacked fortune cookies and both got nothing-special-proverbs...something like "success follows by efforts." What a special wisdom! As the usual course of after dinner thing, we had a cigarette and coffee. 5 fire trucks were speeding away with their sirens wailing as usual, letting all know about someone's suffering. Then, when they all pulled over my street, it became a little special. We followed them like curious onlookers, but nothing was happening. Right, we forgot for a minute that America loved making a big drama out of nothing. We headed home and had a chat about art with a few cup of tea. After we parted, I watched "Sex and City," as a part of my adgenda nowadays and went into a bed as usual time. On that day, nothing was really special. Then, when I woke up in the morning on the following day, I realized that this kind of nothing special IS something special in the city. More over, the fact that he, a German artist who has been here for 7 years is going to leave for China within a few weeks to start up a new life made the night more special. Sometimes, in life, one familiar affair becomes more meaningful than an occasional special event. Surely, it was the night when just one usual dinner with my friend happened to become special.

"You need to protect yourself in US,"

often, people give me such advise. Is it true? Do we really need to protect from ourselves? If so, what a sad world we are living in. My ex often told me, " Once you show your weakness, people start taking advantage of you." He trusted nobody. The other day, when I told a friend of mine that an editor had offered me to edit my blog site for potential publication in the future for free. Then, he warned me that he might claim some fees or a percentage afterwards and he concluded that this is the US, good or bad. I understood what he meant. But, I did feel sad about the fact that people are too prepared or accustomed for not trusting anything or anybody. People often tell me like,"Oh, you don't know anything about the world,” or "You are so naive." Am I? Really? Is trusting somebody's word so stupid? Let's say he was right, and then what would I lose anyway? I would pay the editor, if he asks. He will be the one who loses credit with me, but not me. Of course, nobody in the world wants to be betrayed or taken advantage and we all have to be cautious. Yet, trusting nobody or being too cautious is not the solution. Are we all going to become closed-mind like a dead shell? "We are in the world where no dignity exists. So, welcome on board and face the reality" Is that is? Even if people think I am stupid and naive, I would rather the one who is deceived not deceives. Even if I lose, always I will learn something important from the experience. That experience will become wisdom, which nobody can steal from me. Still, I believe in the world and myself.

"Close your eyes,

and tell me what do you feel secure about your self?" a friend of my friend whom I just met asked me the other night after I'd told her that I was really insecure when it came to romacne. I closed my eyes and thought about it for a while. It was easier to tell what I feel insecure about myself. After a few minuets of silence, I said to her, " Perhaps, my thoughts or how I feel. " "OK, then stay there for a while, and whenever you feel shaky or nervous, simply go back and stay," she smiled at me. I didn't know exactly where to be. They are not some random thoughts in everyday life. They are some thought, like the articles in my blog, when I am deeply thinking or analyzing in general. The thoughts are ultimately connected to how I see from my eyes and hear from my ears. I wonder though if these are coming from my upbringing or culture or the educations or experiences? If one's thoughts are all originated from those only, then they would be limited.
When I was around 26, I was suffering from major depression, feeling lost. I thought and thought how I could get out of the hell or find real myself. I went all the way back to my childhood where I was really happy with myself. Then, I started sorting the things out like the things that I did to expect others and so forth. I didn't read any self-help book. I myself found the clue to get in touch with my soul. Some years later, I came across a psycology book, which talked about how you find yourself. There, it talked about exactly what I did for myself. I cried in happiness. It confirmed that I wasn't so wrong. It proved me that I was not only the one who felt the way I did. These thoughts came not really from me. I rather feel that they come from the same place where I and we were born. Then, when I closed my eyes again, more and more, I felt secure. More and more I felt like staying there. The practice has been helpful since then. I feel protected and warm, whenever I close my eyes. Almost, I could feel that nothing matters at the end of the day. Well, not quite there yet to be honnest, but will get there.

"you are thoughtful today,"

my friend, a DJ and scientist, Lele said to me, when I saw him briefly the other day. " Is it a good thing or bad?" I asked. "Neither, you just look thoughtful today," he said again. He was right indeed. " Well, perhaps because I have been spending alone these days, sort of disconnected from the world," I excused myself. "Tell me about it. You know, here in the city, nobody really calls me to say bull-shit, everybody calls me to ask something," he turned his eyes away. He also added that he had been missing Italy, his home country, and nothing stopped leaving NY besides his girlfriend. " Call me, when you want to drink sometimes,” he left. On the way home back, I asked myself, "What really stops me leaving NY?" It would be nothing but work. I don't have a boyfriend. Most of my friends are couples. A few of my close friends already left the city. Over the summer, how many phone calls for talking about stupid things did I receive? Not many. Today was Labor Day. Again, I find myself alone over the holiday. Walking along the river, I passed by couples, family, and a group friends. I was lying down on the grass looking up the autumn sky. White clouds were running through the sky, drawing lines and circles. " I am leaving the city as there is no such intimacy here," my friend's cite was carried by winds over the river. "Please stop," I said in my mind. Sometimes, I allow someone's comment or the standard idea in the society to have more power over my real thought. I am aware of my feeling loneliness wishing I could be with somebody whom I really care for, yet it doesn't mean that I want to leave the city yet. I know that there are a few friends, which is enough. Wherever one goes, no matter how many friends or lover one has around him or her, life is basically a solitary journey. Surely, I had been thoughtful these days. You know why? I got my period today. A woman is made in a very complicated manner.