rain

Sometime I cry like everybody else. I cried like tonight’s raindrops from the sky. I needed it to release my emotions, which have been suppressed deep down within me. When things get crazy, we forget talking to ourselves. Since I have been working, running around, and throwing myself into the bed at the end of the day, I did not have a time to be in touch with myself. Well, I think that I have to clarify thins in my life again, as my innocence is trying to tell me that what I am doing is something wrong. My innocence is feeling such pain, because of me. I amy take some works, even though I don't feel happy, but because of my money, my ego or wrong reasons. Out of fear for unknown, I may hold onto things that bring me a sense of secure. Out of fear for being disliked, I may say yes when I need to say No. In order to let new winds come in, I may have to leave out some places, some people, some jobs, or some of my old habits. I don't know exactly what they are. The good part of this story is that at least I heard and watered myself. Actually, I like tonight and tonight's rain.

In the moment

It has been too busy to sit and write something for my blog. Since the last article, the whether has already changed. The sky is high, the air is chilly and crisp, and the greens have changing their colors. I spent the whole day sitting, writing a proposal for a new show, and cleaning my room. What a luxurious day!! More importantly, I stepped out to get a coffee and took a short walk. I really walked!!! It doesn’t mean that I never was outside before, yet, due to my hectic sckdule, my mind was not in the moment. I felt as if I did not breathe. Today, without being worried about anything, I could fully paid attention to my steps and everything in outside. I could feel and smell the air, see the things in the sky, things on the streets, the fruitful trees and the peaceful energy of Sunday afternoon in the city. Fully walking, this simple action, brought me greatly peace and luxury. Well. I will be ready for coming week again!

Dear mother

It has been over 3 years since I left Tokyo. It was not easy for me to get to this point where I finally felt included in this city.
You have been always supported me. I could not get though all the claps here without you. I have been thinkig of you, so today, I just want to say thank you.

You may not know that it was hard for me to have made a decision about my moving into NY. You brought me up by your own. You once told me that you had thought about killing yourself and me, when I was born, as my dad and your husband left us without any financial support. You fought against the man dominated society all alone, and built up your own business without any help from men. I once held a grudge toward you, as I was always alone in our home. You were preoccupied with making money to bring me up, so I felt neglected mental support from you. You tried to control my life, expected me to have an ordinary life. If that satisfied me, I could have followed your desire. I could not. Something about it suffocated me.

We fought a lot. We cursed each other a lot. I run away from you, living in many different places. In the end, but, I always came back to you, as I felt guilt and my escape did not work out. After my long-term resistance, we managed to get along well with each other. It was not an easy road, right?

Honestly, I still feel guilt for having left you alone, but I needed to. I needed to separate myself from my dependence on you.
I needed to know about who I am, I needed to see the world through my own eves, stand strong with my own legs, touch with my own hands and feel everything with my heart.

I am aware that you hide your weakness by pretending to be strong. You hide your shyness by having a sharp tongue.
I know your vulnerability, even though you don't show others or me. I know your deep compassion to people beneath your toughness. You are an innocent and beautiful human being, even though people are sometimes overwhelmed by your strong energy.

I love you mom. Your armors were thick, but I know who you are.
I love you mom. And I am proud of having been born as your only daughter more and more. Your value for life is slightly different from mine, but about the essence of life, I have learnt from you by just seeing you and your life.

I thank you.
I thank you for your existence.
I thank for myself as your daughter.
I thank for our karma to be family.
Always love