an invisible web

I forced myself to be out and walked around the city all day today. I fell down into the hole again, losing a clear vision of where I was and what I was doing here before my departure. I was not here or there, anywhere. I have been putting pressure on myself, trying to be productive, yet I find myself feeling tired and void after all. Canceling my agendas, I seeked for a complete solitude to deal with myself today. Walking around, treating myself at my favorite cafe, buying a new dress(of course, I am a girl!) , I inwardly conversed with myself.
Why am I scared so much? Why had I done that? What's wrong with me? Why did I fall for somebody now? What's going to happen to me from now? What am I doing here? All those useless questions were stoking me, like a long marching band. Stop stop stop!!!

There, in the middle of a busy intersection in Soho, I saw a guy drumming with abandoned things. I stopped and watched him for a while. The drum melody was echoed through the surrounded buildings and created orchestra-like musicality. He was deeply into his own world. "dude, you cool!!!" I gave applause to him in my mind. I tipped in and left. "What's up with me? Look at how strong he is." Right, I was scared of the fact that I gave up on my apartment and had no place to come back. Yet, Do I need to hold onto the form of home? This is my home. My home in my heart and soul. The city gave me such strength to be myself and to survive here and so many opportunities to experience and meet people from all over the world. As much as I feel tired of a continuous survival mode of life here at the moment, I love this city where chances are given equally. I have not many but a few of my dearest friends whom I love. Plus, I am just taking a break from the city, as I need to recharge. What's the point of feeling sad? In fact, I am lucky to receive this break and start a new beginning....?

Yes, I fell for somebody right before I am moving. How ironic it could be and I screamed in my mind, WHY NOW?
Yet again, this is the facts. This person certainly gave my life such sparkle. I felt "caring" deep within me. Elusive, indefinable, almost intoxicated, intangible crazy feeling.... as-if- I-knew-this-person-for -a-long-time feeling....beautiful feeling....I haven't felt that way for a long time, so I know this is something that I can't ignore or deny. My friend said to me, "you are naivete for my age and such a romantic dreamer." I may be so. Yet, I can't deny how I feel....or should I? Should I pretend to be cool? Does growing up mean to be cool? Or is it cool not to feel or pretend not to feel to begin with? Just becuase the timing was off? I can't be light or cool, even if this could sound completely illogical and irrational. We all long for love no matter how old we are, no matter what we do, no matter where we are anyway.

Sadly, though, I lost my balance and collapsed due to mix of my freaky situation, limitation in time, my inability to trust men, my own insecurity and feeling of fear.... I forced to produce immediate results. Here I am again. I do things that make the other withdraw and I suffer from the situation I created greatly.
I regret.
"Everything is about time and when you think about it, this is total bullshit, "my friend's quote. How could I forget that? Well, in the middle of chaos and mess, I lost a broader vision and was trapped in narrow minded sight. Well, I need to take responsibilty for my own action and my selfishness.....
Yet, at the same time, I'm happy and lucky that I have met this person who was so unique and loner and gave me such sparkle. It was indeed a special gift and cerebration from a god regardless.

I have only 7 days here for now. Yet, today, somehow I get a little bit of my strength back.
Forget about an idea of --7 days to go. Just live life and now. Just do what I want, not "should." Plus, I know that this is not the end. Life is like an invisible web. Who knows how the outcome will look like. You can't see it as a whole till you die anyway. So, I want to keep weaving my own pattern. It might be complicated and tabgled up, but deep down, I believe in that it will look, in the "end," unique and beautiful....

It is raining

and so is my heart. My life is uncertain and shaky.
Right, changes entail fear. It should be a time to have a faith in myself, yet just foggy view in life brings me nothing but feeling of doubt.
It is like sailing alone in the middle of the vast ocean at night without seeing any loadstars.
Adding to this uncertainity, I'm falling for somebody in the middle of my move.
It was unexpected totally.

I'm not the kind who can't be falling for somebody easily.
There have been times when some guys hit on me, but when I am not interested in them, nothing can move me: I am like a huge rock.....
Then here I am. I got this feeling -- butterfly in my stomach. Why now and why him?
A big question mark has been hanging in front of my eyes.
Feeling attracted to certain people is still mystery to me.
Are we controlled by greater force? This random encounters have to do with what I did in my past life? then what had I done? Is it a test?
I was absolutely not ready to fall for somebody right now, but it happened and I can't change the past.

Today, I dropped everything. I didn't want to fight against myself and my feelings.
I faced all my negative feelings, fear, doubt, anger..... and let my tears come out.
I needed it, as i have been trying not to deal with them. If not now, in the near future.

However, interestingly enough, I received a special gift from one of my closest friends in Germany---- a message that I should keep writing, as he has been enjoying reading my blog and believes in talent in my writing.....
Yes, he is not only one who encouraged me to do so. Many followed. This is, in fact, a complement that makes me nothing but happy.

I was in the darkness, yet his message greatly lighted up my gloomy day and the dark blue of the ocean. Yes, life is unpredicted in many ways....

day two...

I was on the bus the other day. In a slow and long ride, looking at the street view through the window, a memory came to my mind.
It was the second day of my arrival in NY-- the end of March, 2002. With jetlag and feeling of confusion, I forced myself out of a stinky salvation army residence in midtown. I roamed around and ended up in Union Square. It was a cold but sunny Sunday, I believe. There were hundreds of people out there, walking, hanging out, skateboarding, dancing and shouting.
Being overwhelmed, I realized that I knew nobody.... Not even one person in this big city. People's burbling with laughter from any angles, all of sudden, made me feel insecure and lonesome. "Why I came to NY?" "Why did I leave all my friends and my mom?...for what?" I was standing on the south west corner of 5th Ave and 14th st. Feeling like crying, I decided to head back to my tiny room in the residence. I waited for the signal to change and something happened. I didn't know why, but I felt a need to look back. Then, a sign, "book" caught my eyes in a distance. (I love going to a bookstore and love a bookstore with style.)
I walked and found, yes, "East West Book" (now it is called East West Living, I think.) I opened the door, as if I had needed to be saved from hunger. The smell of incense and old papers of books welcomed me. The carpet was laid out entirely and Crystals and Tarot cards were on display in a glass showcase. The wood shelves for the books looked ancient. The bookstore seemed completely out of dated, but I loved it immediately. I felt as if I were in "another" world. Scanning though the selection of the books, I figured that the speciality of this store was "spirituality." Right, No matter what I do, where I go, spirituality (I don't like this word so much, but....) is my strong interest. I have to say, I can't live without it.
With feeling of big relief, I forgot about my lost feeling and the fact that I almost cried in the middle of the street. I stayed there for about 2 hours, sitting and reading some books..... There was no sense of time.
By the time i left the bookstore, I found myself uplifted.

I believe in signs in life. Once in a while, some miracles happened to me and this is one of them. Some may say, it is just a bookstore, but in an unfamiliar town, how many chances would I have had finding a bookstore that specialized my favorite subject in day 2? How many are there bookstores with style in NY to begin with? ....I believe that this was an absolute sign from the universe. " You are on the right track, so don't feel sad and don't worry!"

Yes, my steps on my way home were light and aerial.... Ride on!!