just one phase

I happen to be in NY now, getting involved with art business. That would be one phase of my life. 5 years later, who knows what I will be doing. I am saying this, as I played various roles in life...like an uptight girlish girl, a manger for an American football team, a surfer, a hippie, a depressed girl and woman, a dj and etc. There are, in the world, two types of people: people who know the mission of life in their young age, and people who get it later along their long journey. Needless to say, I am the latter. Since I was little, I was already sort of depressed. I found life hard and sad. Without knowing what I was doing, I was putting a mask in order to fulfill other's expectation, especially for my mother. Those times, I was just sad and deeply lonely without any friend. I could not go on like the way I lived, so I flew to Australia. There, I felt spark of light and freedom for life, seeing many inspiring and ambitious people. At the same time, I felt left behind from the world and still didn't know much about life. At my age of 26, I finally figured what was wrong with myself. I realized that I was completely faking myself and depending on outside sources for happiness. That was like a huge thunderstorm. I felt embarrassed with myself and it was too late to start all over again. From that point, though, I tried to do anything that would excite me from deep inside in order to know who I really was. First, I jolted down things I liked and disliked on a note pad. Then, I got crazy: ACTIONS. I traveled to Asia. I started surfing. I took whole bunch of drugs like E or L in rave parties for a while. I lived in a remote island where it took 26hours by a boat, which was the only way to get to. (I seriously thought I would be a hippie, yet obviously it didn't last.) I went to countryside to look for a farm job. I had different type of meditation retreats and attended many New Age sessions. Stupid? I can laugh at the facts that I changed so much, but I was fxxking serious. I just WANT to know what I WANT to do for life. Only that curiosity made me live. After feeling tired of moving and doing, I took any job opportunity that came along through my friends. I was a curator and a manager for an Australian singer. I did a lot of volunteer jobs for the international artists' organization and Dalai Lama's office in Tokyo. Whatever. I was an outsider. I keep some and left some. Now, I am here. Someone like me who never stayed in one place for more than 7 months and who never was consistent has been here for 4 years. Why? Not because I liked NYC, but my determination was solid to the point where I felt that this would be the last chance for me to keep on one thing. I still don't know who I am and the true mission for my life. However, I am not searching for it any longer. That will come along. Surely all those experiences and actions enabled me to see things openly and feel people closely from their point of view, as I played the roles fully wihtout doubt at the time. Plus, I learnt two things that 1) full involvement with whatever you are doing takes you to the next step, 2) whenever you realize what you are doing is not so right, then accept it and make immediate and elegant shift without holding onto it. I don't know when but I know that I will be given another role when the time comes. Could be a monk? Could be a mother? Could be anything? I only surrender, but fully conciously.