one unity

My mom left for Japan after having spent for about 2 weeks in NYC. I saw her off at the airport. Although I was annoyed once in a while with her presence here, when I hugged her tiny body, my stomach was turned around and I cried again. I have been going through this parting for more than 6 times, (either my leaving for NY or her leaving for Japan,) since I moved here, yet I never was able to get used to it. It is always painful to see her skinny and tiny back and her efforts to pretend to be fine and cheerful. On the way back, seeing the city views that I had seen with her just 1 hour earlier, I wanted to shout like "Life is not fair." Why I don’t have my father? Why is she alone? Why am I an only child? Otherwise, I would not have had to feel indescribable sadness and extreme responsibility and guilty towards my mother and myself. I accepted the fact that I had been born without knowing my dad and been an only child long time ago. However, the separation like this brought me all the complicated emotions over and over again: Once I was angry with my mom, as she was not emotionally available for me, when I was little. Now, she is expecting me to be available, though she doesn't say so. I feel pain for her nature where she can’t help living for others, but isn’t given much back. I've seen her pain for life in general, but she never really showed anybody including me. Instead, she tried to be always tough and proud. I asked myself again, " Why is she like this?" She is so adorable, but she is deep down so lonely. My father left her and me and I left her. Her nature always threw me the questions that I never could figure out. “ Was it the right choice to leave her alone? No, I need to have my life. “ I am still torrned by tow different ideas; freedom and responsibility I have been making so much effort to accept my background and let all the negative emotions go. Yet, still here, I have to face pain and sadness like today. Yes, no matter how hard the situation that is given to a human being is, he or she has to accept and learn from it. In my case, no matter how hard it was for me to leave her, I had to leave the nest and go on my own life like everybody else. To do so, I have to use more energy than people who have a normail family. Buddhism philosophy says, “We are all connected as one in a soul level. No death and life in the end. We are all potential to be Buddha, as we have Buddha’s nature inside. Life is given because of karma in the past lives. Therefore, there are always lessons to learn in life and obstacles to overcome “ OK, the only thing that may can relieve me would be to really experience about this: we are all connected as one unity. I do want that from the bottom of my heart, as I am emotionally drained.